(no subject)

In attempting to start this whole thing over, fresh; I am starting a new journal. Feel free to add me. My new username is candles_out .

(no subject)

I was reminiscing about this old journal I used to keep at OpenDiary. I tried to find it but, as I suspected it was deleted. When I kept that journal I was at the height of my eating disorder and I was terribly fucked up... the world around me was about to change and I was like the animals before a natural disaster... nothing made sense and I had truly spun myself down a rabbit hole of no return.

It's hard to look back on those days because of the feelings and tastes and thoughts it triggers in my body... For that year of my life I was a diferent person.

Then I got to thinking about how I would write in that journal every day... and how I used to write in this one nearly every day too. And I'm wondering what has changed. What void in myself was filled from writing in this thing that it no longer fills? Maybe I've just lost touch with the hunger in myself that desires the deeper understanding of my own thoughts and feelings. Maybe that's a bad thing; maybe a good thing. Maybe I've just gotten too lazy.

I am always looking for a new artistic outlet; a venue that I have rarely found for myself. Online journals used to sustain a small part of me that needed sustainance. It's almost as if I don't even have the brain power to sit and write a complete entry at a time. Maybe it's the long-term effects of these years of living terribly unhealthily. Maybe it's the effect of having no real stability in my life other than fucked up eating and sleeping and clinging to things that once made me happy. I try to think of what makes me happy now and the answer is that I don't know. I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I almost don't even search for happiness anymore because of the mindset I've gotten myself into. Almost all of my thoughts throughout the day have to do with either the tasks looming before me or the food I will or will not eat throughout the day.

I think of what I have to do and what I will eat. Then of what I want to eat. And then of the tasks again. Of course, there are other variables... memories and relating with people I love and care about or just share life with in general. But almost no thought to what do I want to do. With my day... with my life. Nada.

And here's the point where my brain stops working. For fear of what? An answer?



SO i was cast in The Awesome 80s Prom at the Hippodrome in Baltimore.
It should be loads of fun.


I play Dickie, the drama queen. muahaha!

(no subject)

Hilary Duff has huge teeth.

They are too big for her to be so skinny. It makes her face look like a big skull.

She is just not looking so good.

a dorky theater survey.

Choose any 3 roles on Broadway that you would want to be in:
1. Emcee- Cabaret
2. Angel- Rent
3. Snoopy- YAGM, Charlie Brown

If told tomorrow you could go see any 2 shows for free and front row you would see..:
1. La Cage.....
2. Sweet Charity.

What 3 shows would you want to be revived so you could just watch
1. The Last Five Years
2. The Wild Party
3. Smile

3 Broadway actors you'd want to work opposite of:
1. Anthony Rapp
2. Alan Cumming
3. Adam Pascal

3 Broadway actresses you'd want to work opposite of:
1. Kristin Chenowit
2. Bebe Nueworth
3. Chita Rivera

The 1 part that you wouldn't mind changing your sex for (male part if you're a girl and so on):
oh god, SO MANY..... here gos.....
1. Audrey- Little Shop
2. The Witch- Into the Woods
3. Sally- Cabaret.

Your 1 dream broadway role:
1. Emcee.

The 1 part you would love to play but know you never could for some reason.
1. Peter Pan..... well actually if they come out with a new version in which peter is actually played by a guy i'm perfect for it haha.

1 Broadway show that closed too early:

The one show you would never see again:
1. Cats

The one show you would see over and over again:
1. Rent... haha duh.

Your Favorite Broadway Quote:
1. Oh God I have wayyyy too many so this is just going to be the first one that comes to mind hahaaaaaa.....

who needs money? not me.
who needs fortune or fame?
i don't need a new career; a sympathetic ear; a name.
all i need is time to play
only want the game.
point me to the mic!
i know what i like.
don'tcha wanna be the life of the party?
don'tcha wanna be the cream of the crop?
don'tcha wanna feel those shivering fits till someone calls it quits
or someone calls a cop?
don'tcha wanna land the role of a lifetime
well you better get down on one knee
cuz you can play the life of the party
if you pray with me.....


in a room thats out of order
where there's cds on the floor
where i'm somewhere on the border
of quite full and wanting more
"the entertainer" squeals it's loudest digital-itized encore
and again i let it play on cuz i won't walk out the door.

"your my hero" strangers say
because they don't know that i'm real.
and they don't assume i'd answer
if they'd ask me what i feel.
"your my hero"
cuz i make a most attractive kissy-face.
and that really gives me credit in this fucked-up human race.

so i'm sitting and pretending that i don't care what you said
i'm pondering what not to eat and wishing i was dead.
have you had diet coke with splenda? don't supose you ever would.
ya think if they knew what i thought, they'd lock me up for good?

you know i'm people's biggest hero.
yeah i am. i bet you care and all.
i'm listening to "garden state" and dancing down the hall.
we live in a beautiful world, the singer lies believably.
and i'm pondering a coffee
cuz it's heavy and it's free.

it's real dysfunctional, y'know
how down-to-earth you truly are
it's like you're really almost normal
like you missed the *fucked-up-america* car.
and it's weird the way you like your off-beat, atypical features
almost like you really think you're one of god's amazing creatures.

so i hate the way i like that
and it's gross that you're ok.
and i'm gonna yell "i told you so" the second that you're gay.
but for now, i am a hero.
and i don't need mortal sin.
and i think i'll chug a coke
and wait for track 3 to begin.

'guess he's right; the world is pretty'
as i make a kissy-face.
in a room that's out of order
like i'm locked inside this place.